To have your questions answered, please e-mail your letters or comments to Asrianna at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Questions become the property of Inner Tapestry and may be edited for content.

Dear Asrianna,

I’m in a relationship for the first time in several years after a really painful marriage and divorce. I feel like I’ve spent a long time healing and learning about my spirituality and what I want in a relationship. I really love my boyfriend, but I’m worried because after over a year it’s clear that my goals and his aren’t the same at all.

It’s confusing to me because during the time I was alone, I worked really hard to feel good about myself. I’m trying not to regret anything I had to go through in order to be where I am now. I try to see myself as perfect just the way I am, but if I see myself that way, how can I judge what my boyfriend does?

And if I unconditionally love him, how can I reconcile the fact that I want marriage and faithfulness and commitment when it seems like he doesn’t want those things?

How do I put this all together?

Signed, Unconditionally perfect

Dear Perfect,

We speak about the subjectivity of experience. Part of that subjectivity is due to the many definitions we each give a single word, expression, action or feeling. And there’s no clearer example of this than the thoughtful questioning in your letter.

So let us start, first, with the idea of spirituality and, more specifically, your idea of spirituality. You see, I can practically guarantee that if you ask any ten people about their religious background at least one of them will say that they’re “spiritual, but not religious.”

Typically that statement means that while they might acknowledge a belief in the numinous, while allowing for an unknowable presence of something larger than themselves, they prefer not to adhere to a particular church doctrine or specific institutional teaching. Quite a few people do so because of personal issues with the idea of judgment, or the feeling that certain laws and requirements are limiting or unjust.

There’s absolutely nothing untoward or wrong with being spiritual or religious, and, frankly, the lines between those two labels are typically blurred. What can be problematic is when we call ourselves spiritual and pretend—or overlook—that there are indeed very human needs and feelings that are not only okay, but are healthy. They might be church boundaries and laws about how we treat ourselves and our neighbors, or they might be your own requirements gleaned from personal exploration and spiritual seeking.

The truth is that it’s healthy to look out for your needs. Being spiritual does not mean that you present the other cheek on a constant basis even as you know you’ll be slapped over and over again. It doesn’t mean becoming so evolved that you benignly experience unacceptable, hurtful and avoidable behaviors and treatment from loved ones or others.

So ask yourself what it means for you to be spiritual? While it may be true that we’re spiritual beings having a human experience, we are, nonetheless, human. This isn’t a minus because being human is truly a spectacular opportunity. There are pleasures and joys, depths of learning and sensing only available to us here, while we’re in these tangible, dense bodies. With all of the challenges and tasks of being upon Mother Earth, at the very deepest level it’s a divine blessing. We’re not asked to overcome our human selves, but to honor them and live a life that includes the sacred within our humanity. And it’s all sacred.

Perhaps what you mean when you say you’ve worked on healing and on your spirituality, is that you understand what you need in order to be happy and fulfilled. If so, fantastic! There’s nothing more important to the world than a person who lives a truly fulfilled, passionate, curious, happy, and loving life. And we don’t get there by constantly sacrificing our dreams and hopes on the pyres of other people’s demands and requirements.

Being spiritual means, in part, that you pay attention to the very breath of your soul’s longing, that you dig deep to find the jewel at the core of your being, what it is that you are meant to do. As part of your healing and spiritual seeking—at the center of all our spiritual seeking—is the question, “what is my soul’s highest joy?” When we live from a place of self-love and tenderness, we radiate that very self-same love outward, living a life of grace and service toward ourselves, our unique soul’s path, and toward the true benefit of others.

This is where we come to the idea of perfection, to yet another definition.

You see, it’s all perfect. Right now. In this moment. Yes, in this moment you are indeed perfect. The Vietnamese Zen master, Thich Nat Hanh, teaches about seeing a beautiful flower in full bloom. He speaks of how when we see that perfect flower we are seeing within it everything. We see the seed before it is planted, how when that perfect seed is within the damp earth it splits and cracks. We might be tempted to say, ah, that is now an imperfect seed! It is no longer whole and unmarred. But from that open seed the sprout appears, pushes through the earth and eventually turns from a perfect seed and tender shoot into the perfection of a flower at the zenith of its growth.

Then, eventually, the flower droops, petals fall, the stem bows and it becomes—if you’ve gathered it as a centerpiece on your table—refuse, garbage as Thich Nat Hanh gently says. When we see that rotting bit of plant life, do we see in the complete cycle its perfection? And yet, it’s no less perfect when it becomes compost to nourish the growth of other seeds than when it was at the height of its resplendent glory!

We are perfect. We come from the perfection of the Great All in All, God, Goddess, the Great Spirit, whatever the name you choose to give the ineffable life force that created all there is within and without the Universe. Just as an orange grows from the branch of an orange tree and we do not expect an apple to appear upon an olive branch, so from perfection comes perfection.

Yet if your definition of perfection is stasis then it will be hard for you to accept or believe in your inherent, perfect nature.

You see because we seek perfection as an end goal, we’re unable to ever reach that unattainable pot of gold. We think, I cannot be perfect! I’m not thin enough, wealthy enough, good enough, young enough, or, conversely, mature and wise enough yet! And spoken or unspoken is the thought that if this is perfection, you are consigned to be right where you are now, which for many people is a place of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

Change is unavoidable and constant. Every passing second is new, we’ve never experienced it before, and we’ll never again breathe through the same moment. Understanding your true perfection means realizing the foundation of what you do next is built upon the sturdiness of self-love and self-kindness.

You’re not the person you were five years ago, five months ago, five weeks ago, or even five minutes ago. Everything you are now is the sum total of all you’ve experienced and learned. From this moment’s place of perfection you move forward into continued perfection, more fully realized and actualized.

When you understand the beauty of your spirit and being, you cannot allow it to be abused or compromised. You cherish it, you protect it and at least part of this nourishment arises from something many think of as quite unspiritual. The idea of conditional love.

We can love others unconditionally. This means that at a soul level we honor the spirit and perfection inherent in another. We work to be loving, fair, and kind in our thoughts and actions toward those around us. What it doesn’t mean, however, is allowing ourselves to be mistreated, or to accept a lesser dream because we don’t want to offend or alienate another.

You can love your romantic partner, you can honor his perfection and right to unfold as he chooses even as you affirm your needs, your goals, and what it is that a fulfilling, loving, joyful relationship means to you. Indeed, we can fully, unconditionally love someone even as we make a decision to live a separate life from them because their treatment of us is unacceptable.

When we allow for our desires, we’re fairer to others because we express what we need in order to experience a safe, loving, trusting relationship. While it might not be something they initially or ultimately agree to, this honest and loving communication forms the groundwork upon which a healthy relationship is built.

Ultimately, your forward steps will lead you where you’re meant to be, but you can choose to walk upon one path, or another, can lovingly set the boundaries around you. We’re each far more empowered than we ever understand. Many blessings to you in your perfection.

Many blessings, Asrianna

Asrianna Dameron is a Psychic Medium, a Certified Hypnotherapist, and a Certified Past Life Regressionist in private practice. She offers individual sessions and gallery readings as well as workshops and speaking engagements on the topics of Psychic Development, Mediumship, Energy Management and Shamanic Healing. Asrianna can be reached and your questions answered at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , by visiting her website at www.asrianna.com, by visiting her at Facebook, or by calling (603) 892-1268.