Dear Asrianna,

I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for nearly thirty years. She’s creative, dynamic, a loving wife and mother and a hard worker. To the outsider she’s confident, funny, strong-willed, and engaging. But the truth is that as long as I’ve known her she’s struggled with severe depression. At times she completely withdraws and except for her work and the daily interaction with our daughter, she hardly talks, eats, or shows the slightest sign of enjoyment in any other area of her life.

It tears me up inside to see how devastated she often feels and I don’t know what to do to help her. I see her as exceptionally courageous because I know what it sometimes takes for her just to get out of bed in the morning. From what I’ve read some people can’t even function on a daily level when severely depressed and yet she gets up and puts on a warm, receptive face even when it takes everything she has to do it.

I’m not writing this because I’m an unhappy husband. She tries very hard to show me I’m loved and the guilt she feels over her depression and how it limits her is so sad. Sometimes I get so angry over how unfair this is and I want to just strangle something, but of course there’s nothing and no one to hold accountable. We can’t tell our family because in the past whenever we’ve attempted it, they respond by disbelief (“Oh but she always seems so upbeat!”), or simplistic ways of fixing it by “thinking positive.”

What can I do to help this remarkable woman? How can I make her see the beauty in herself? Is she, as she often says, doomed to this for the rest of her life? She’s on medication and sees a wonderful therapist, but is this the best it’s going to be?

Signed, Desperate to help

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Dear Asrianna,

My youngest sister is a drug addict.  She’s several years younger than I am and I spent a significant number of years practically raising her.

When I was eighteen I moved to Hawaii to escape the grief of an ended love affair. I have never forgotten my little sister’s howls of pain at the airport as I boarded the plane. I know now I left her when she needed me most.

Over thirty years later I see this small shell of a once beautiful woman who mutters to herself, sits drugged in a chair rocking, lost in her drug induced world.

She has a teenaged daughter and a grandson as well as a precious eight year old boy. They’ve all watched her at every ugly stage of her addiction.

To add to this, our father is an alcoholic, mother is a penniless gambler living off another sister, and my addicted sister’s husband is abusive both physically and verbally. As I write this I feel certain it all sounds unbelievable.  The gallows humor part of me hums the old Hee Haw variety show song, “if it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all, gloom, despair, and agony on me.” Sorry, but this is too bizarre even for me.

I have another brother and sister and after a bleak series of events over the holiday, we did a sibling, family intervention. It was hard, heart-breaking, and cut me to the depths. At one point I was sitting in a rocking chair and my tiny sister climbed into my lap and curled up like an infant.

As I rocked I wept, wondering how to help her. I live out of state and my siblings and I are desperately searching for a rehab center. None of us has any money of significance and although we have some clues, it’s hard to know where to turn.

I know you can’t cure my sister and I don’t expect a miracle. But can you help me make any sense of this? What are the spiritual lessons I need to learn? I feel fundamentally guilty, as if I failed my precious sister in some way. What is the purpose of this suffering? I’m angry at my parents even as I know they did the best they could.

In many ways I feel the most to blame.

Signed, Oldest Sister

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Dear Asrianna,

I’m in a relationship for the first time in several years after a really painful marriage and divorce. I feel like I’ve spent a long time healing and learning about my spirituality and what I want in a relationship. I really love my boyfriend, but I’m worried because after over a year it’s clear that my goals and his aren’t the same at all.

It’s confusing to me because during the time I was alone, I worked really hard to feel good about myself. I’m trying not to regret anything I had to go through in order to be where I am now. I try to see myself as perfect just the way I am, but if I see myself that way, how can I judge what my boyfriend does?

And if I unconditionally love him, how can I reconcile the fact that I want marriage and faithfulness and commitment when it seems like he doesn’t want those things?

How do I put this all together?

Signed, Unconditionally perfect

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Dear Asrianna,

My entire life I’ve been plagued by feelings of not being alone even when there’s no one else in the room. When I was little, I had nightmares that were so real I eventually had to sleep with the light on and even to this day I don’t like the dark. My parents weren’t very supportive and told me it was all in my mind, that I was being overdramatic and too imaginative. They were also very religious and in my upbringing anything remotely paranormal was considered demonic. So I feel completely unprepared for the fact that my 6-year-old son seems to be able to sense the same things I did when I was his age, including his having nightmares. How do I help him so that he doesn’t suffer like I did?

Signed, Still Afraid of the Dark

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Dear Asrianna,

Everyone tells me I’m too sensitive. It seems like the slightest comment upsets me. I’ve seen therapists who’ve given me great tools for coping and they’ve helped, but I just can’t seem to stop reacting to every perceived slight. I know most people aren’t even saying anything truly unkind, but my first reaction is to feel upset.

Occasionally I find myself avoiding going somewhere because I just feel overwhelmed by too many people. When I watch the news or read the papers, the sad things that happen just make me feel so depressed. I also seem to be a magnet for people telling me their problems. I don’t want to sound like I’m mean, but part of me wishes they wouldn’t share things with me. While I seem to help them, when they’re gone I feel drained.

Someone told me that I might be an empath and while I’m not sure what that is, if there’s something that can explain all of this I’d just be glad to know there’s a reason.

Signed, Feels Too Much

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Dear Asrianna,

The last time I sat and talked to my friend about my troubles she said it all stems from losing a part of my soul. She underwent a soul retrieval and told me how much it helped her.

While it sounds a bit far-fetched to me, it’s true that I’ve been in one bad relationship after another.

Should I have a soul retrieval? I’m not sure what it is but I’m tired of dealing with the garbage of my life and if this can take it all away, great.

Signed, Wants My Soul Back

Read more: Ask Asrianna ~ Wants My Soul Back